I am not saying you’re fat, I am just moving the car…

Greetings and Saluatations fellow bloggers, friends and family.  Happy Wednesday!  Despite the fact that today has some unsavory items on the menu of life, I remain relatively upbeat…for now. 

My six week check up with my surgeon is on Friday and it is weighing on my mind.  LOL.  I can’t believe it has been six weeks already!  Of course on the other hand, I can’t believe it’s only been six weeks…some wondrous things have happened in the last six weeks; some wondrous, exciting, exhilarating things.  I think now is as good a time as any to take a moment and reflect on some of those things.  I guess the first thing would really be just the sheer amount of weight I have lost so far, 361 (post surgery) to 319 (this morning).  I am wearing my favorite jeans from two years ago!!!  I literally haven’t worn them for almost two years and now they are getting loose…CRAZY!  The jeans I had worn to the hospital the day of surgery (which were snug then) have since gone the way of the samuri – gone baby gone, about three weeks ago.  It’s exciting, without buying a single stitch, my closet choices have expanded hugely.  Next on my list of awe is the ability to physically move, I am no longer looking for the closest parking spot.  I am not running out of breath climbing up the stairs.  How exciting to reach the top and not have to take a couple of minutes to catch my breath.  The next change is the most exciting and it has been a mental hurdle more than any of the others.  I am not hiding out anymore.  I had stopped going places, stopped visiting with friends, stopped joining them for fun outings out of fear and shame.  It is hard to explain on some level.  I gained the majority of this weight over a long period of time so in some ways I was kind of numb to it…I got to gradually get used to being the degree of fat and the shape of fat that I was so it never curtailed my social activities but I gained 50 lbs in the last year and a half and that was different.  First, the weight came on so fast.  Second, the weight gain coincided with the time that I left a longtime career and a group of women I had know for a long time.  I came up with all kinds of reasons to not see them after that because I knew they would be concerned and I couldn’t bear to see that look in their eyes. (By the way, I know this was unfair to both them and myself.  I had no right to judge them and what their reactions might or might not be and I cheated myself out of an invaluable support system.  I regret this decision but it is what it is.)  Third, I didn’t have any answers to give them as to why I was gaining weight so rapidly.  Fourth, I was flat out scared.  I finally went to a doctor and found out all kinds of things regarding what was happening.  That was the first step.  From there things really steam-rolled forward.  The point of that little story is to emphasize how big this change really is.  I feel good in my own skin.  I weigh a few pounds less than I did when the drastic weight gain began but I haven’t just dropped weight, I have dropped fear as well.  The fear, the sadness, the disillusionment, the shame…all of it gone.  For the first time in a long time I feel like nothing is holding me back.  Can you imagine what I will be like when I hit the 200’s?  The 100’s?  I’ll be insuffereable that’s what!  I will be rediculous!  Rediculous and happy! 

So I will go in on Friday for my six week check up.  I hope my labs are good, I hope my surgeon is proud but most of all I look forward to having another notch in my belt.  One more notch that says I am moving forward in my life.

So, “Happy Wednesday” people!  Happy Wednesday to us all! 

Much Love and general good well wishing…JustJil     

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