I am not saying you’re fat, I am just moving the car…

Greetings and Saluatations fellow bloggers, friends and family.  Happy Wednesday!  Despite the fact that today has some unsavory items on the menu of life, I remain relatively upbeat…for now. 

My six week check up with my surgeon is on Friday and it is weighing on my mind.  LOL.  I can’t believe it has been six weeks already!  Of course on the other hand, I can’t believe it’s only been six weeks…some wondrous things have happened in the last six weeks; some wondrous, exciting, exhilarating things.  I think now is as good a time as any to take a moment and reflect on some of those things.  I guess the first thing would really be just the sheer amount of weight I have lost so far, 361 (post surgery) to 319 (this morning).  I am wearing my favorite jeans from two years ago!!!  I literally haven’t worn them for almost two years and now they are getting loose…CRAZY!  The jeans I had worn to the hospital the day of surgery (which were snug then) have since gone the way of the samuri – gone baby gone, about three weeks ago.  It’s exciting, without buying a single stitch, my closet choices have expanded hugely.  Next on my list of awe is the ability to physically move, I am no longer looking for the closest parking spot.  I am not running out of breath climbing up the stairs.  How exciting to reach the top and not have to take a couple of minutes to catch my breath.  The next change is the most exciting and it has been a mental hurdle more than any of the others.  I am not hiding out anymore.  I had stopped going places, stopped visiting with friends, stopped joining them for fun outings out of fear and shame.  It is hard to explain on some level.  I gained the majority of this weight over a long period of time so in some ways I was kind of numb to it…I got to gradually get used to being the degree of fat and the shape of fat that I was so it never curtailed my social activities but I gained 50 lbs in the last year and a half and that was different.  First, the weight came on so fast.  Second, the weight gain coincided with the time that I left a longtime career and a group of women I had know for a long time.  I came up with all kinds of reasons to not see them after that because I knew they would be concerned and I couldn’t bear to see that look in their eyes. (By the way, I know this was unfair to both them and myself.  I had no right to judge them and what their reactions might or might not be and I cheated myself out of an invaluable support system.  I regret this decision but it is what it is.)  Third, I didn’t have any answers to give them as to why I was gaining weight so rapidly.  Fourth, I was flat out scared.  I finally went to a doctor and found out all kinds of things regarding what was happening.  That was the first step.  From there things really steam-rolled forward.  The point of that little story is to emphasize how big this change really is.  I feel good in my own skin.  I weigh a few pounds less than I did when the drastic weight gain began but I haven’t just dropped weight, I have dropped fear as well.  The fear, the sadness, the disillusionment, the shame…all of it gone.  For the first time in a long time I feel like nothing is holding me back.  Can you imagine what I will be like when I hit the 200’s?  The 100’s?  I’ll be insuffereable that’s what!  I will be rediculous!  Rediculous and happy! 

So I will go in on Friday for my six week check up.  I hope my labs are good, I hope my surgeon is proud but most of all I look forward to having another notch in my belt.  One more notch that says I am moving forward in my life.

So, “Happy Wednesday” people!  Happy Wednesday to us all! 

Much Love and general good well wishing…JustJil     

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I am not saying you’re fat, I am just moving the car…

  1. Wow Jil, you are doing so well!! I am thrilled for you! I’ve only bought a couple of new clothing items, as I worked my way through all the clothes that I have been moving around the country – but haven’t worn for YEARS. I’m now getting to the point where I’m at the end of the “smaller” items in my closet, and will have to get some new stuff… but you my friend… are doing AMAZING!! Dr. Ferrari will be thrilled when he sees you…

  2. Kim says:

    Jil, I love your enthusiasm and find it contagious! Even at less than three weeks out of surgery, I can already see and feel the changes and like you, it amazes me. I’m so glad you’re not hiding anymore and that you are starting to get back out there and living life! Can’t wait to hear how your appointment goes!

    Oh and since you questioned it, it’s “bear”. I always have to think about that one too as it seems one is an animal and the other means naked!

  3. Laurie says:

    hey! I am soooo happy for you! It’s such an exciting time, and it will just get more exciting! 🙂 I can’t wait to see you again!!!!

    Love ya!
    Laurie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s