Fly, fly little wing…

As some of you may know my boyfriend Jason, is currently out of the country working off the coast of Africa near the Congo and will not be home for about 22 more days…we talk each day and email every now and then.  This evening I happened to be writing to him about a plane trip I will be taking tomorrow to Kansas City.  It’s a big deal…it is one of the goals I wanted to achieve after the surgery…the significance of this ride is not lost on me…so I decided to share an excerpt from my letter to him (and by letter I mean email)…lol

“…I am excited about leaving for Kansas City tomorrow…have you ever been there?  It’s a nice place, for whatever reason I didn’t think I would like it the first time I went but I did and (my stepmom)Becky’s family is really nice…Mostly I am excited about flying…I actually hate to fly, it throws my equilibrium off and I stay queasy the whole time we are up in the air but I am excited because it will be the first time since the accident in ’94 that I will be able to fit in the damn seat without having issues…it will just be nice to be just a normal person…I know that must sound funny but you don’t know how mortifying it is to be squashed into a seat, and the arms of the seat are cutting into your legs and they hurt and then not even be able to buckle your own seatbelt because you are so friggin fat and everybody is staring at you and you just want to die because everybody is thinking poor little fat girl if she would just get off the couch and stop eating all those cheesecakes she would be able to fit in her seat, and you are sitting there and you know they are wrong but you can’t explain that so you just sit in shame and pretend that you got the seatbelt buckled because you are too embarrased to ask for a seatbelt extension…for the first time in 14 years I won’t be the poor little fat girl on the plane…It’s a big deal to me, no matter how silly it may seem…”

Mind you I know Jason doesn’t think it is silly, it’s just my fat girl defense mechanism to jump in there and devalue my own thoughts or feelings before I give someone else the opportunity to do so…sigh…when will that end?  It is getting better but it is still there…I sometimes wonder if it will ever truly go away…

Anyway…this post is really just to share a monumental WOW with all of you out there…and as a mini update…I am down to 212…from 378…(166 lbs lost so far) is that sick or what? : )…Oh…I have finally set a couple of goals that actually have numbers attached to them…my last goal was 255, which is what I weighed after I gained all the weight after the wreck, since I achieved that goal, I have just kind of been in goal-limbo…so my next goal, is to get below 200…I am hoping I can make it happen by Christmas but if I don’t, I don’t…and then my next goal will be to get to 189…which will mean I have lost exactly 1 half of my person…which is exceedingly weird to even think about…

And a shout out to all of the other Cut & Paste Girls…Meghan or is that with an “E”-AKA-Mini Meggs, Kim-AKA-Knitten Kittens, Laurie-AKA-Gastric girl, Lacylou (wherever you are) and Kim H…this journey would not have the clarity and significance that it has for me if it weren’t for all of you…

Love to you all…JustJil

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I am only a paper girl, living in a paper world…

Ya know it’s funny.  I had a little incident this afternoon that has me sad and steamed at the same time.  I had zero intention of writing about it until I read my friend Kim’s (knitten kittens) blog.  That deals with this very topic.

I have not been shy about how much weight I have lost since my surgery.  Nor have I omitted telling anyone how my weight loss odyssey began.  I am not ashamed of the fact that I made an impossible decision to save my life.  It is what it is.  However…It took me five years to make the decision to have Gastric Bypass.  Would you like to take a stab at the number one reason why it took me so long?   Because I felt that if I “caved” in and had surgery that would be me taking the easy way and admitting failure.  I was wrong, I was uneducated about the process, I wasn’t yet claiming any responsible for the failure or success of having such a procedure work for me.  My second greatest fear, because I am lame and often care far too much about others opinions, both those I know and perfect strangers, was that “they” would think I chose the easy way out.  Because they are uneducated about the process, because they don’t know that in order to be successful, you must claim responsibility for the failure or success of the procedure to make it work for you.

On some level this process has been a dream for me…I had not come up against anyone so far who voiced the opinion that I took the easy way out.  I had not come up against anyone who voiced the opinion that my weight loss somehow meant less than someone who was able to achieve weight loss success in a gym or their kitchen alone.  I had not personally experienced that until today.  But today those walls of bliss came tumbling down with three ugly words.

I work in a very small office.  There are only a handful of people here.  I am one of 4 girls that work daily in our office.  I have in general received great amounts of support from each of the other girls in turn.  Janie* has had a tremendous amount of success through WeightWatchers and going to the gym.  She has worked very hard and diligently to achieve a healthy life.  She has been nothing but supportive of me during my process, never once intimating that somehow my weightloss doesn’t count because I started out in an operating room and not a gym.  Sally* has recently begun her own quest for health and weightloss.  She is doing very well, she is still fairly early out of the gate but she is doing an incredible job.  She and I have not talked about my surgery or my weightloss all that much but I have never gotten the feeling from her that she begrudged me any of my success.  Mary* has been supporting from the beginning.  She worried with me, she cheered with me, I felt like she was on my side.  Until today…

The four of us were together, returning from a birthday lunch.  When the topic of weighloss came up, Sally has lost 20+ lbs. in the last few weeks, through controlled diet and exercise.  Janie, who is very close friends with Sally jokingly made a comment about Sally’s success so far.  It was a joke and not intended in any negative light and both Sally and Janie knew and understood this, however Mary, who was sitting in the front seat thought that I was the one to make the joke and not Janie and she immediately interjected that “No comment was necessary from the Cut & Paste girl” because Sally had earned her weightloss.  I was so incredibly hurt by this comment I cannot even begin to tell you.  Mary was not kidding.  I immediately spoke up and said that I was not the one who made the comment it was Janie…but the damage had been done.  She did not take it back, nor did she apologize for her incensitive and judgemental comment. 

The cut & paste girl….can you even imagine…all the hard work, sacrifice, pain, emotional upheaval, choices, sweat, fear…dismissed just like that.  The cut & paste girl…All of the highs and lows I have shared with her, trials and triumphs all tied up in a neat little bundle of judgement and humiliation.  The cut & paste girl;  who’s opinion doesn’t really count because she took the easy way out…

And people wonder why it is so difficult for some WLS patients to be honest and forthcoming about having chosen to have surgery and have a shot at living a valuable, healthful, vibrant and full life.  It’s because no one wants to be the cut & paste girl…

…and I said, you and I are two of a kind, not afraid to dream, we could be the next big thing…

216…and all is well!

Things have been flowing along lately…I am going to the OH conference here in Houston, with Laurie (Gastric Girl) on Saturday to see if I can learn anything new.  I really do feel good about how things are progressing but even I am not such a ninny as to think they couldn’t be going better,so….we will see what we see…lol

On other fronts…I am in the process of decluttering my life…I went through my bedroom about two or three weeks ago and got rid of a TON of stuff, literally, it probably weighed a ton, then I just went through my kitchen on Tuesday and I am getting rid of about half what I own in there…tonight Laurie is coming over and we are starting on the garage…it feels good.  Letting all this stuff go…I still have a long way to go but I am getting closer everyday…clutter makes me unhappy, but then again I tend to develop emotional attachments to ‘things’ I own…those two things do NOT cohabitate well with one another.  As a result I end up with stuff that I love around me too much and my place never really feels good to me…it never seems clean, even when it is clean…so hence the mass exodus.  Along with the physical weight I am dropping I have decided to “deFat” my home as well.  The bedroom was therapeutic for me, the kitchen was a revelation and I feel downright giddy about the garage…which is where the bulk of my emotional attachments are stored.  It feels good to be moving forward and to shed this weight which has had me down for awhile.  The funny thing about it is that so far it has been easy.  I look at things that once seemed so important and now they are just things, maybe it’s because I am actually accessing the emotions in my real, daily, active life and not assigning them to tangible things.  I know the garage will be harder on some level because that is also where a lot of nostalgic items are.  Some of them I will keep.  I have given myself permission to be unreasonable where certain items are concerned but for the most part I am just looking forward to letting most of that stuff go as well.  I will be starting a new year in a month or so, a new life in the not too distant future and I refuse to bring junk into that.  A clean slate.  God it feels good!

To all of you out there in the blogging cosmos…peace and decluttering to you all…JustJil

I was young and foolish then, I feel OLD and foolish now….

So I had my “6” month check-up on Friday and I am happy to report that I am apparently going to live for now…lol

In general everything was quite good, except for my Vitamin D…damn sunlight deficiency and my Iron, which is not super bad but it isn’t great either so I need to work on those two things.  I also talked to my surgeon about the fact that my stomach has not stretched, which we have spoken about before but the reality is that I am almost 7 1/2 months out and it still has not stretched.  He says that it is time to come to terms with the idea that it may not ever really stretch.  This may be it…I may never be able to eat more than a 1/3 of a cup of food.  I know that this is a blessing.  I truly do but it still makes me a little sad in some ways…I know that it means I won’t have to struggle as much as everyone else and I am so grateful for that but…it also means that I won’t ever fully live a normal-ish life.  I will always have to explain to others why my plate is still full or just lie and say I was really not that hungry…I know it is a small price to pay and I also know that I will come to treasure it the farther out I am…but for now, it is a little hard to swallow.

In general.  I am healthy.  I am sickengly, grossly and in all other ways disgustingly happy with my life.  I am down to 218 this morning…which is 155 lbs lost…which is just insane.  I feel good.  For the first time, I really believe that I will be able to get under 200 by Christmas…which again…CRAZY!!!  I am not sure what size that will put me in…I am in a 16 now…so maybe a 14?  I don’t know and I almost don’t care…in general I am not all that fancy with clothes…I am a laid back person, i wear jeans and some sort of sweater and flip-flops pretty much everday…my friends call it (lovingly I am sure) my uniform…lol…but for Christmas, I actually would like to get something pretty and girly and feminine and I really would like to get it at a normal store…not Avenue or Lane Bryant…on Christmas Eve at our big family gathering, I would like to be beautiful…not just the same old cute-ish Jil…I want to actually be pretty and festive…so I need to lose 19 lbs Christmas…I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…lol

In other non-WLS related news My birthday is next Sunday on the 9th and we had my family celebration yesterday and Jason got to meet the rest of my family, except My Dad and Stepmom (in Arkansas)…everybody liked him and he liked them as well…YEA!  It was a lovely birthday…number 35!

So that is it…the status of my life…Love to you all…JustJil