Someone who can, show me I am one of his needs…

The husband has returned…bring on the giddiness and joy.  It’s true…we are newlyweds after all…

We are newlyweds and yet…we aren’t new.  In some ways I feel like we have been at this for a long time…not in the sense that we know each other in and out or that we have only shared experiences now…but more over because we have been playing the hello/goodbye game since the beginning…as much as a pain in the ass as planning the wedding was (and if you have read any previous posts, you will know exactly how whiny I was and how tedious I found the whole process) and how long it took to orchestrate it all…the wedding itself was essentially wedged in between…Jason heading out on his work hitches…he came home a week and a half before the wedding, we got married, we left for a 6 days for the honeymoon, we came home on a Friday night and he left that Sunday and was gone four weeks…came home for three weeks and was gone two months…basically…the wedding was a blip in the calendar of our life…I am glad we had one, I am glad we are legal, I am glad there were witnesses but it has not changed our day to day life.  The ins and outs remain the same.  I was not really expecting it to change things but at the same time it’s a little surprising that life really did just continue on it’s merry way…if there weren’t so many pictures capturing the day…it might not really exist at all…

I am not sure where all of this is headed, I am not unhappy or dissatisfied…I guess I am just in a state of musing.  Jason has been home for almost a week now…I love when he is home…but I will be honest…as bad as it is and as much as I hate that it happens…the moment he steps foot back on land, for me the countdown til he leaves again begins…and it is not that I am looking forward to his leaving…I know some women would be and I understand that…but I am not one of them…yet….I say yet only because almost everyone I know, assures me that I someday will be but I have my doubts about that.  To the contrary I hate that he is going to leave and it taints the time we do have together a little bit…he had only been home a couple of days, after having been gone almost 2 full months when his office called him and wanted to know when he would be ready to go back into the work rotation…he told them that he would not be willing to go back out until after July 4th…so I know that I have at least until then…unless the NAVY calls and wants to contract him again and then he basically has to go…you just don’t say “No” to the NAVY…at the end of the day, the point of this is that I have a difficult time trying to live fully in the moment.  I am a planner by nature…for years I lived exclusively out of my organizer…I don’t really do that anymore but I am still a planner at heart…and as we gear up for him to head back out…I often check off my mental checklist how many things he is going to miss, birthdays, holidays, Mondays, Tuesdays, weekends…it is just very difficult for me not to have his departure at the back of my mind…

When he is home…I know that I am the heart of his world…I am at the center of every decision he makes, every meal he partakes of, errand that he runs, improvement that he makes to the house…when he is gone he tells me (when we are allowed communication) that I am on his mind every waking moment.

So why can’t I check it at the door and live for the moment while he is home?  It bugs me that I always have that nagging voice in the back of my mind saying, it’s only temporary…I know it’s a defense mechanism…but it’s annoying all the same.

He plans to go to school this fall…I am looking forward to it…but even that will be temporary…he will take a leave of absence from work for the time he is in school, rotating semesters, school one  semester and then returning to work for one semester and then school and then work and so on and so forth…until he is done…

I am looking forward to that time but there is also apprehension present…

On to other topics…My mom is an Assisted living program now…she went in last Wednesday…no drama so far…I pray with everything I have in me that it works out…I have two weeks to empty out her apartment…that is going to be a process…but it must be done…

My dad and Becky are coming home for the 4th of July weekend…and that will be great…her chemo seems to be going relatively well…she will have her 3rd round the day after they get back and then they will schedule her mastectomy…she has lost her hair and has bought a few wigs…she doesn’t want the grandkids to know she is sick…I can’t blame her but I think Sabrina (my brother Peter’s oldest daughter) is old enough to know…she will be 9 in a couple of months…but that is Becky’s decision…

Other than that, life goes on…

Daisy (our beagle) is good…Remy (our puppy) is an annoying little cuss…I am almost positive that she will grow out of it…almost…but she is awfully cute when you don’t want to wring her little neck…lol

Anyway…this post really is all about checking in…and making sure you guys know we are alive and relatively speaking, well!

Love ya all out there…

J

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6 thoughts on “Someone who can, show me I am one of his needs…

  1. Laurie says:

    hi there – I know how tough this lifestyle is for you firsthand… I would tell you that I’m there for you, but you already know it, and at the same time I know that isn’t good enough. You know I don’t mean that bad, but you need a better consistency in your relationship with Jason that you’ve never had… hopefully the leave will turn into a promising on-land opportunity for him and you can both establish some normalcy!

    love you both!
    Laurie

    • justjil says:

      Thanks and yep…I know what you mean…and honestly your friendship goes a long way towards making it bearable when he has to go…

      I know somewhere down the road we will have that normalcy and it’s a matter of recognizing that this is a journey, an epic adventure and not the 50 yard dash…

      It’s funny, because I am really in a good humor today…I set out to blog with nothing really on mind other than it had been awhile and I needed to represent…I guess this ultimately was what was on my heart and (for better or worse) in the back of my mind…lol

      Our friendship also makes it easier for Jason when he has to go…knowing that I have you and John and that you guys will make sure I am not left to my own devices too much…lol

      🙂

  2. Kim H. says:

    I can relate – I’m like that too… I spent a lot of my maternity leave stressing about going back to work and all the things I’d miss when it happened. I hate that you have to go through that and that it’s a constant whirlwind for you. You are such a beautiful woman – I’m sure that you are absolutely at the forefront of his mind every second of everyday – when he’s home and when he’s not. ❤

  3. Heather says:

    I’m glad you checked in! I’m sorry that you have to struggle with losing your husband every few weeks. I fear I would function much like you do – not being able to enjoy the time because you know it will end. Someday it will, right?

    I agree with Laurie! Someday you will find normalcy and it will be amazing. It’s just a mild transition for now. I’m oh so glad that you and Laurie have each other!!

    You (both) brighten my day!!!

    • justjil says:

      Thanks Heather…I wish we all lived close…but we dot the map of the good ol’ USA pretty heavily…lol

      She is a Godsend to me…

      In time things will even out, especially after we figure out the school stuff for him…

      And for the record you brighten my day as well and I am glad you found your way back from blogging limbo 🙂

      J

  4. Tahnea says:

    I hear ya!
    As I’ve mentioned before, I get my Navy fella home on the weekends, but I also spend the weekend thinking that he’ll be heading off in less than 48 hours 😦 He also is on call most weekends so I DREAD and CRINGE every time his work phone goes off – 9 times out of 10 means he must make the long trip back to work to deal with something or other! And that then cuts our time together even shorter.

    Thinking of you! Every second semester home sounds awesome and something to look forward to.

    Tahnea
    xxx

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