…and so it goes




I live in a bustling city

Five million people strong

Traffic is a constant

The sights and sounds

Often enough can spin you

Into a dazed thoughtless state

Everything is so colorful

So fast

So loud

But today

Today the grinding relentless

Cacophony that is the city I so love

Is not enough to drown out my thoughts

On a day when I want more than anything

To lose myself

In the ebb and flow of city life

My thoughts are far louder

Than the busy streets around me

Most days I think we all tend to gloss over

The imperfections of our lives

The old silver lining

The cup is half full

Tomorrow is a new day

Rubbish…

Today I see my life for what it is

The imperfections

The shame

The failures

The whole lot of it

I wish I could quell the voices

Wish I could shake the doubt away

But try as I might…they remain

I am a good person, I know this

I really do

I have achieved many successes

I am independent

I am faithful

I am honest

I make a difference

My life means something

I know these things

But

I am almost 35 years old

And there is no amount

Of hustle and bustle

In this vibrant

Optimistic city

That makes me forget

For even a second

That I am alone

I am sure tomorrow will be better

I will once again begin

To unceremoniously shove

This great melancholy

Into a small

Nondescript

Shoebox

In my heart

File it away

Careless and haphazard

So that it takes awhile

To find it again

Somewhere down the road

I am sure

In a day or two

I will paste on a smile

Full pink lips

White teeth

Head thrown back in laughter

And I will mean it

Again everyone’s friend

But for today

In the city I love

Surrounded

By the people and places of my heart

I am just a sad girl

Alone

Mourning the loss of my dreams

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There’s a dream In the future, there’s a struggle we have yet to win and there’s pride In my heart ’cause I know where I’m going and I know where I’ve been…

I weigh 299.  I will NEVER weigh 300+ again…EVER.  I would like to write something profound here, something that is revelatory and outstanding and thought provoking but in reality all I can think of is how grateful I am.  How blessed I am.  How hopeful I am.

In peace and love…JustJil