…a wave tossed in the ocean…

I actually got some sleep last night…which is a very good thing…I have been operating on a slim margin of sleep for awhile…when I was in middle school and high school…I had insomnia…a lot.  Sleeping aids didn’t work because I couldn’t shut my brain down…my mind was on overload every night…cycling again and again all of the stuff going on in my life and trying to figure out a way to solve things that I couldn’t solve…the doctors gave me some mental exercises to try to help…sometimes it worked sometimes I was still awake at 3am trying in vain to figure out a way to make my world alright.  It is no coincidence that this originally started around the time that my mom started to really lose it…I wanted to ‘fix’ her and I couldn’t…

Recently…it has reared it’s ugly tired head again…last night I took some Tylenol pm and I got some sleep but I am still on the tired side…I have to find a way to shut my brain down…

Reasons I can’t sleep:

  • I have recently upset one of my best friends to the point where I am not sure she will forgive me…
  • Wedding stuff
  • More wedding stuff
  • my dog, can’t fix her either…
  • Jason has been gone for 72 days out of the last 117…so since October I have had him 45 days
  • I have had RSVP’s for 134 people now…we were expecting about 95 to 100…and there are still some outstanding…

I tell you what, planning a wedding is not for sissies…

Everyday…I mark a couple of things off my list…If I could get the list under control I think I might be okay…or at least better…ish…

Happy Tuesday all…

Justjil…

I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt…

I am tired…

This is not a wedding related post…

This is an “I’m tired of having my words twisted around” post…

This is an, “Is honesty really the best policy?” post…

Have you ever been too afraid to tell someone you love that you are worried about them and then you get the courage to do it and all of your fears of why you were to scared to tell them in the first place are confirmed…

Growing up I felt like the throw away friend.  I felt like most of my friends were too fragile to handle my thoughts or my fears concerning myself or them or my family so I kept most of that inside.  Fearful that if I was truly honest with them, they would not be able to handle that.  That it would be easier to abandon me…to just walk away, find a new friend that would tell them the things they wanted to hear…not someone that was going to call them on their BS…or just say you know I have been watching you and I am scared for you.  I have actually lost a few friendships over the years because I did not give them enough credit for being able to handle those truths…I also didn’t give myself enough credit, thinking that I was disposable, that my thoughts and values weren’t important enough to be able to stand up to the truths of an honest relationship/friendship…

I try hard not to devalue my friends that way these days.  It is still very difficult for me to be that kind of honest knowing what is at stake.  Knowing that sometimes people are that fragile.  It takes a lot out of me…months sometimes to reach the point where I get up enough courage to do it…but if I think it’s important enough…I will do it…no matter how scared I am….

And that is why it sucks so hard when it all goes down bad…when instead of helping, you end up tearing them down…and sometimes it doesn’t matter if it came from a good place…when the result is so sad…

Will be out under a rock somewhere tail tucked between legs..Roger Wilco…this is Jil the destroyer of souls..over and out…