Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue.

I hate lies.

and just in case anyone is wondering…omission of the truth is still a lie.  Just because you know something and don’t say the opposite out loud doesn’t mean you aren’t being dishonest.

I hate disloyalty.

Do not claim you are someones friend if your actions are going to consistently say otherwise. Admit the friendship is not working and move on but do not claim a loyalty that is no longer there just out of habit or to save face.

I don’t like to have my time wasted by people that are pretending to be something they are not.  If I am going to dedicate my time to you, to us, to our friendship then I want to know that what we have is real and valued…

That is all…Happy Friday.

J

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The Homecoming…

My boy is coming home.  Yay…I will be a wife soon…lol…Tomorrow we will have been married exactly a month…and he will get home shortly after midnight tonight…so he will be home on our one month anniversary :)…don’t worry, I won’t be announcing our anniversary every month…but this one is special…because…it will be the first one and because he has been gone all of it…lol…he left a week after we were married…so it will be the first time since we were married that we will both be home together…we were gone, blessedly, for the whole week after we got married so we haven’t been home together yet…and I will feel like we are really married…funny I know but true.

I hope all have had a wonderful Easter.  Mine was…quiet.  Which is not a bad thing.  I went to church alone, joined some friends for lunch and then returned home to spend the afternoon in solitude…I had opportunities to go a few places but I needed to just be at my home…preparing for the arrival of the mister.  I had set out some goals for myself when he left and I achieved almost none of them 🙂 I am a tried and true procrastinator…One thing that jacked up all of my wellintentioned plans was…drumroll please…

I got a new puppy sister for Daisy…her name is Remy…she is a dachshund/chihuahua mix…but she looks like a black lab with short legs…lol…she will be 10 weeks old tomorrow and she is a real hand-full…Daisy is quite taken with her…it is going far better than I had hoped…although it has been a long time since I house-trained a puppy this young…Oi…just oi…I will survive, I will survive…hey, hey…She has had her first trip to the vet, this past week and got a clean bill of health…she has had her first round of stuff and is due for her next round on the 23rd of this month.

Remy Jaeger

Remy and Daisyhill...

Remy and Daisyhill...

So there they are…

Also…I don’t have the official wedding pictures yet…but here are a few that my maid of honors husband took…

Just Jil...

Just Jil...

Jil, Jason and the dudes...

Jil, Jason and the dudes...

Married...

Married...

So that is that…lol…when I get the real deals I will throw a couple on here…

I guess that is all for now…

Love to you all out there in the collective bloggong cosmos…

JustJil…

I’m forever yours…faithfully

I am a wife…

It’s true…there were witnesses…lol

The wedding went off pretty well…no major drama, no real disasters…I actually felt like I looked like a bride and for once…I actually thought I looked quite pretty…I got to see some wonderful friends that I don’t see often and some that I see all the time and value to such a great extent as to say it would not have been as great a joy if they were not there…

We honeymooned in Playa del Carmen in Mexico and it was wonderful, we swam with the Dolphins, snorkeled, walked the ruins in Tulum and ate food that was so good I am still savouring each bite…we stayed at an amzing resort that was beautiful and so much fun, we saw shows, we shopped a bit, we swam, we sunned, we loved…it is a time I will never forget…but…

I was ready to return to real life…which is a mixed bag of sorts…lol…we arrived home late Friday and Jason left Sunday for work…he will get back the day after Easter…this was not a surprise, before we even left on our honeymoon we knew when he would be leaving…the issue is now this…The house is clean, gifts are unpacked and put away, the things we are not keeping (old stuff) has been gathered and placed in the garage for friends who want or need it, or a garage sale down the road…my planner that I have lived out of for the last 6 months is empty…literally…I am having dinner or coffee with a friend on Friday and that is all I have in my planner at all for the next three weeks…I don’t know what to do with myself…I don’t really want to watch TV much, Daisy chewed up my glasses so reading is out, I have a couple of craft/art projects that I want to do but really I have all of spring and summer to do them…I am completely without focus…As much of a pain in the ass as the wedding was, it also gave me things that needed accomplishing and deadlines…now…well…again my planner is empty…I am going to have to do some soul searching…I was expecting this really…just not so fast…lol

I am well and truly at a crossroads…I think a lot of us post WLSr’s reach this point, probably around now…I will be two years out on March 20th…so in essence I am two years out…I have maintained my current weight for almost a year…I am good with where I am, I wear a 12 or 14, I feel pretty good most days….I am and always will be grateful for this tool, the tool still works for me…but…it is no longer my life.  I think that is healthy….the whole point of the surgery was to get my life back and I have that…so…where do I go from here?  I will always be a WLS patient…but by and large…it is more a part of my foundation than my daily life…I have some new challenges on the horizon…and I want to embrace those things…I guess the point of all of this is that this will no longer be a WLS blog…if things come up regarding WLS I will always blog about it because I owe it to the WLS community and myself.  I will never hide or forget where I came from however it will be more about a girl living life who had WLS once upon a time.  I know I am not the first to change blog direction, several on my own blogroll have changed focus over the last year…it’s just how life goes…

So this is where I am today…I have started down a new path, I have to figure out what it means to be a good wife, a loving companion and part of a new family.  It will be a challenge…I am for sure up to the task but it will be somewhat daunting at times…

I thank all of you for being such a great source of support and inspiration to me over the last two years…I have loved being a part of your journey’s and feel truly humbled to have had you all as part of mine…I hope you will stick around…because I am sure to do some stupid stuff and of course I will need witnesses…lol

Love to you all…

Mrs. Jaeger

…a wave tossed in the ocean…

I actually got some sleep last night…which is a very good thing…I have been operating on a slim margin of sleep for awhile…when I was in middle school and high school…I had insomnia…a lot.  Sleeping aids didn’t work because I couldn’t shut my brain down…my mind was on overload every night…cycling again and again all of the stuff going on in my life and trying to figure out a way to solve things that I couldn’t solve…the doctors gave me some mental exercises to try to help…sometimes it worked sometimes I was still awake at 3am trying in vain to figure out a way to make my world alright.  It is no coincidence that this originally started around the time that my mom started to really lose it…I wanted to ‘fix’ her and I couldn’t…

Recently…it has reared it’s ugly tired head again…last night I took some Tylenol pm and I got some sleep but I am still on the tired side…I have to find a way to shut my brain down…

Reasons I can’t sleep:

  • I have recently upset one of my best friends to the point where I am not sure she will forgive me…
  • Wedding stuff
  • More wedding stuff
  • my dog, can’t fix her either…
  • Jason has been gone for 72 days out of the last 117…so since October I have had him 45 days
  • I have had RSVP’s for 134 people now…we were expecting about 95 to 100…and there are still some outstanding…

I tell you what, planning a wedding is not for sissies…

Everyday…I mark a couple of things off my list…If I could get the list under control I think I might be okay…or at least better…ish…

Happy Tuesday all…

Justjil…

I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt…

I am tired…

This is not a wedding related post…

This is an “I’m tired of having my words twisted around” post…

This is an, “Is honesty really the best policy?” post…

Have you ever been too afraid to tell someone you love that you are worried about them and then you get the courage to do it and all of your fears of why you were to scared to tell them in the first place are confirmed…

Growing up I felt like the throw away friend.  I felt like most of my friends were too fragile to handle my thoughts or my fears concerning myself or them or my family so I kept most of that inside.  Fearful that if I was truly honest with them, they would not be able to handle that.  That it would be easier to abandon me…to just walk away, find a new friend that would tell them the things they wanted to hear…not someone that was going to call them on their BS…or just say you know I have been watching you and I am scared for you.  I have actually lost a few friendships over the years because I did not give them enough credit for being able to handle those truths…I also didn’t give myself enough credit, thinking that I was disposable, that my thoughts and values weren’t important enough to be able to stand up to the truths of an honest relationship/friendship…

I try hard not to devalue my friends that way these days.  It is still very difficult for me to be that kind of honest knowing what is at stake.  Knowing that sometimes people are that fragile.  It takes a lot out of me…months sometimes to reach the point where I get up enough courage to do it…but if I think it’s important enough…I will do it…no matter how scared I am….

And that is why it sucks so hard when it all goes down bad…when instead of helping, you end up tearing them down…and sometimes it doesn’t matter if it came from a good place…when the result is so sad…

Will be out under a rock somewhere tail tucked between legs..Roger Wilco…this is Jil the destroyer of souls..over and out…

Ooh child things are gonna get easier…ooh child things will get brighter…

Little by little…

Piece by piece…

We are getting there…

It seems like there is going to be a wedding or something…

Church – check

Reception Venue – check

Dress – Check

Tuxedo – check

Bridesmaids – check, check, check, check…

Groomsmen – ditto

Flower girl, ring bearer, ushers – check, check, check

Showers, parties – check, check

Rings – this weekend

Hotel – check

Honeymoon…waiting for passport to come in before we do this…just in case I am wanted by the FBI and they choose to not renew my passport and let me out of the country…which is unlikely but I guess possible…

I am getting a little bit excited…a…little…bit…excited…like maybe it’s going to happen…despite my inept attempt at planning it may happen…we might actually get married…

Maybe…

This weekend is out first wedding shower and I actually have two in one day…The first is at 11:30 on Saturday morning and it’s my old teacher chums…and then that evening at 6 it is a family meet & greet / shower thing…Our families will collectively be meeting for the first time…we shall see how that goes…my mom and all of her specialness will be on full display…and we will be meeting my baby bro’s girlfriend for the first time…Things are special with her…This is different for Dave, a new and different kind of relationship for him, it seems earmarked for longevity and a possible future…He is happy and I feel good about that and I am thrilled for him…she is a Scorpio…I am a Scorpio…so I have been training him his whole life how to handle Scorpio’s…hmmm…he is pretty good at it…most of the time…lol

Anyway…that is where we are today…

Things are moving along…we had our premarital counseling by our pastor…we passed…lol…he is going to marry us…that feels good too…

Continued prayers if you would…there are still things to be done and hurdles to cross…

Today is January 27th…

37 days to go…

Love ya all out there in the cosmos…Justjil

Please remember me…

It has admittedly been awhile since my last post.  I am not going to apologize…it takes too long…and although I always mean it, it’s a little like the boy who cried wolf…if you say it too much no one believes you anyway…lol

I am well.

My weight continues to hold steady.

I feel good.

I feel normal…as much as anyone feels normal I guess…maybe it’s more that I don’t feel abnormal…and that’s pretty dang amazing.

I will be getting married 2 months from tomorrow.  Emotionally I am ready…mentally I am ready…realistically I am NOT ready…I have not been super efficient as a bride to be…I have been too laid back and now with two months to go, it is biting me in the butt.

Still though…on March 6th I will become Mrs. Jaeger…I am excited beyond any earthly expression that I might be able to muster up…how is that for dramatic verbosity 🙂

I have been working on making my house more of a home…decorating and such…it gives me something to do…as Jason has been gone since December 6th…he returns in two weeks…it has been a long winter so far for me…Christmas was good…my family came over but his absence was never far from my mind…I miss him so when he is gone.  He is on a NAVY contract right now…and I am not allowed to disclose his location which is a new thing for me…blessedly they at least decided that I could know where he would be…in saying that…in some ways, though he has been gone this long before it has been tougher…we have not been allowed to have contact…it is a high clearance gig…he was allowed to send me an email the day before Christmas that said he was safe, he loved and missed me and that things were going okay for him…it was not much but it gave me some peace…In my heart I knew that he was okay but it still gave me some relief to hear from him at all…I do not expect to hear from him again until he makes it back on base which should be sometime around the 18th or 19th…and then hopefully I will be picking his punk-ass up at the airport on the 20th or 21st…I am not sure if he gets to read them or not but I do write to him every couple of days letting him know the bits and pieces of our life that continue on here….news of family and such…I would ask if I could, for some prayers…I have a family member who has been having a very tough go of things and he is very sick…I feel he is not long for this world, whether by choice or circumstance…I am praying that whatever the outcome, that he is able to find some peace because he has not known peace for a very, very long time…he has been and continues to be a very broken man…the sadness and heartbreak he has known is beyond my scope…and whereas I am infinitely blessed to not have know his pain, my own pain for him is very real and devastating of its own accord.

On a lighter note…as some of you may remember…I broke one of my ribs back in January of 2009…and was told by my doctor and Jason that I was not allowed any further broken bones for 2009…because I am extremely defiant, I broke my little pinky toe on Christmas eve…so HA!  Tell me not to break a bone will you?…Hmm, we will see about that…now about that toe…holy Mary mother of God…does a broken pinky hurt like holy heck…I tried to put on shoes this weekend…and ummm…not so much…I have been sporting flip-flops and house slippers ever since then…not sure when I will be able to wear shoes again…I have been told that it can take months for it to heal…um, wedding, March 6th…must wear shoes…broken pinky be gone!  Be gone I say!  Because quite frankly, flip-flops when it is 26 degrees outside is nuts…even for me!

Hope this blog post finds all of you well…

Happy…

Healthy…

and blessed!

For despite many of lifes little curveballs…I am all of those things!

Happy 2010 to us all!!!

Love…JustJil

Nov 2009