Check ignition and may God’s love be with you…

I weigh 172.  For some reason I blog the heck out of getting to a milestone and then once I actually reach it…I just sort of let it slide.  I don’t know if it is because of some type of disbelief that I actually made it or fear that it might only be temporary or maybe it’s just because I am lazy or that I don’t like to toot my own horn, or maybe it’s because I am a middle child and we hoist our own flags o’ weirdness high!  Whatever the reason or non-reason is…I weigh 172.  I have been below 175 for several weeks now.  I bounce around between 172 and 174.  I still struggle and most likely will always struggle with my protein intake.  My stomach holds between 1/2 and 2/3 cup of food at a time.  I can drink a full on coca cola classic without any repercussions, exercise is still a chore and my hair makes me sad but it seems that in dabs and smidgens it might be getting better.  My biggest, fattest, most important goal in this journey was to reach and ultimately maintain a weight below 175.  175 would roll back the years and I would be able to cheat time a little bit by achieving that.  I don’t know that I really believed I would reach 175; even as I edged closer and closer.  200, seemed possible, 190 seemed possible, 180 seemed possible…175 seemed flighty and unrealistic.

I am full on into this new life I charted for myself.  I have been in maintenance mode for some time now.  I have days where I struggle but not in the ways I imagine most people that have had this surgery struggle.  I am fortunate because of the size of my pouch and because I never had an eating addiction so I don’t crave things I can’t have or if I do it is rare.  I am good with having a taste of something without overindulging.   I have always loved cooking and thought perhaps I would lose that; not being able to partake of much of the meals myself but I enjoy cooking far more now than I ever did before.  Tomorrow I will be 17 months out from surgery.  I am a mere one month shy of being a year and a half out.  My life has changed so dramatically.  In ways both expected and unexpected.

There have been ups and downs.  Many not related at all to the surgery…just happenstance and timely coincidence.  When you have this surgery it’s not like time takes a break and waits for you to catch up…you are running from the beginning, trying to not let time get away from you.

My mom is crazy.  I don’t really recall if I have mentioned that before and I don’t mean the general crazy that many girls say when speaking of their mothers.  Mine is certifiable.  She was diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia when I was a freshman in high school.  It was actually a relief knowing that the problem was real and had a name.  Since then her life has been a series of medicines, psych wards, suicide attempts and illnesses.  I have been old for a long time.  I knew by the time that I was 7 that I was smarter and more mature than my mom.  Not, by the way, something that any 7 year old should be aware of but that has been my life.  I have spent my life, hating, loving, caring for, railing against, beating myself up over and ultimately trying to understand a woman and an illness that defy understanding.  AT 35 she can still push my buttons faster than you can imagine.  In May I became my mothers custodial guardian and her financial guardian.  I am moving her at the end of September to an apartment complex closer to Jason and me.  I am 35 and I have a 58 year old child.  Some days I feel very old.

Jason and I are good.  This has been a tough year for us financially.  Things at work have been good for me but He did not work for the first 4 months of the year.  We are working on saving up for our wedding sometime this spring and to make improvements on our house.  He is working like crazy now which is financially lucrative but hard on us as a couple.  I love him with a fierceness I did not know possible.  I cannot imagine any life without him and every time he returns to shore my life is complete again.  I am a cliche and I don’t care.  Some other broad can burn her bra…my favorite place is barefoot in our kitchen cooking and caring for the man that I love.  Gloria Steinem can kiss my ass.

We have a dog.  She is a beagle.  Her name is Daisy.  She was allegedly fixed and yet this week she went into heat…ewww, gross, yuck.  She makes me want to kill her or myself almost daily.  She is absolutely the most horrible dog ever and Jason adores her…sigh.   She will be torturing me until the day one of us dies.

I miss blogging.  I think about it all the time.  I am not going to make excuses anymore for why it takes me so long to actually blog because I just make myself feel bad.  If I blog, I blog.  I still read everyoneelses blogs every day and because I am a hypocrite, I miss you all when you don’t blog.  Pot calling the kettle black, isle 9.

I bought my first pair of pants from the GAP since like 1992.  They are white linen gaucho pants.  I love them.  Mostly because they are from the gap and I can still get them over my hips.

I am going today to meet a girl that I once knew a long time ago.  It has been almost 20 years since I last saw her.  I heard from my mom that she, Stephanie, has also had RNY.  I found her on Facebook and now we are going to meet up, hang out and chat.  She is either 5 or 6 years out.  It will be good to talk to someone that far along.  I have three other girls in my life directly that have had RNY but we are all about the same time out.  Laurie/Gastric Girl had hers first but even she will only be hitting the 2 year mark in October so again, it will be good to hear about her journey and where she is now on her course.

It is raining and that makes me happy.

I have to check out now.  Have to do end of the work day things so that I can jet out of here at 5:30. 

So as of today, 17 months out.  I weigh 172 from 378.  I wear a size large top, size 12 or 14 bottoms.  my foot size dropped down to a 7, 71/2 from an 8, 8 1/2.

Life is interesting at the moment.  Family drama is so, so ,so…dramatic…but I am good.  I am happy most days.  It seems like my hair is finally getting better.  I am obsessed with ritz peanut butter crackers and I have become a plant junkie.  I have 53 of them on my patio…it’s a sickness I tell you!

Anyway…I love you all…Peace outside…Justjil

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9 thoughts on “Check ignition and may God’s love be with you…

  1. Janine says:

    Hey Jil – Grats on getting to your goal. I would love to see a pic of you!!!

    Cheers

    janine

  2. Laurie says:

    hey darlin… yes, life is strange and it doesn’t slow down for anything. You should be incredibly proud of yourself, not only for beating the odds and reaching your goal weight wise, but for beating the odds life wise.. You’re a very strong person in every aspect of your life whether you realize it or not.. And I’m proud to be your friend! 🙂

    Love ya girly! 🙂
    Laurie

  3. Kim H. says:

    I literally laughed out loud at your comment about being barefoot and taking care of the man you love… oh and telling gloria to kiss your ass… HYSTERICAL… and EXACTLY how I feel. 🙂

    You are amazing – and I dearly love it when you do find the time to write – because it always makes me think, and gives me a better glimpse into the beautiful woman that you are!

    • justjil says:

      Thanks Kim…and I am sorry things are so rough for you right now…I know there are no words that can ease your pain but my thoughts and prayers are with you and John both…

  4. Kim says:

    I adore you. You know that, right? I am so undeniably happy when I read one of your posts and love the way the words just flow across the computer screen. For the moment, all is well with my world.
    Congrats on everything…reaching a goal (and I hope you celebrate!), your life with Jason, even this dog who annoys you. I so want a dog but Chris says no, but then again, we do have six cats.
    Keep being who you are, JustJil, because I, for one, find you amazing.

    • justjil says:

      Thanks Kim…I adore you too…seriously at some point, we need to have a Cut-n-Paste reunion…lol…even though none of us have met except you and Meg and me and Laurie…still…Oooo how about a Cut-N-Paste Summit? I like that even more…lol…

  5. Heather says:

    I’m all for the Cut-N-Paste Summit!!! I’ll come out! REALLY!

    I’m a middle child too and you say SO many things that I would say! I love it!!!

    I, obviously along with others, adore your posts and look forward to reading them! I have been away for awhile, thanks to life, but I do look forward to the readings and catching up on you!!! Thank you for your honesty and openness. It’s so refreshing!

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