“…Like the parchment pages of our history, maybe life is made of flickers…”

Before JustJil existed on WordPress she existed on MySpace…well technically she still exists on MySpace but barely 🙂  Anyway…that is where my first blogs were born, most of them were poems, some were essays and some were general musings.  There are a couple of them that I have decided to transfer here to Shut Your Piehole… because she is rather more who I am now than MySpace.  This one in particular was a poem I had written around Christmas time shortly before I made the decision to WLS it on up.  This was not a decision I made lightly, it was not covered by my insurance so I self paid and will be paying for it for pretty much forever…LOL.  I don’t regret it as you will see where I was then at the time.  I can tell you upon reading it today…my spirit truly has been renewed…

Such a long, long time

Gray just washing over me

Didn’t think I would ever see the sun again

When gray is all you see,

When gray is all you know,

Gray is all you feel.

Sometimes I could sense the struggle

Like something deep inside

Was fighting for a breath

Fighting for a chance

And before I could set it free

The gray washed right back over me

And I couldn’t remember what it felt like to care

And there’s so much shame inside you

That it numbs you to the pain

And you sit on the outside looking in

Like it’s someone else’s blood

Coursing through someone else’s veins

But somewhere in a memory

Tucked back behind the rustling leaves

Of 34 autumns come and gone

You know you once believed

That life was something precious

That you were something precious

You used to be somebody

But it all changed

In an unimportant moment

In an unimportant day

Something completely ordinary happened

Something small

Something insignificant

But in its’ tiny little way

It changed the course of things

And everyday got dimmer

And long held ideals began to slip away

And everything that had meant something

Just turned dark and gray

And all that was left was silence

So for the first time in my life

I gave up

Because if you don’t care

You can’t be scared…right?

But the ball of fear inside me got tighter and tighter

And I prayed harder and harder and louder and louder

I prayed so loud that I couldn’t hear the answer

And day by day

A little more of me was lost

And day by day

Hope began to wash away

Until the ‘me’ I once was

Had all but faded

The prayers got shorter

And quieter

Until only a whisper was left

And the whisper said:

I am so tired dear Lord,

So tired and afraid

I tried for so long Lord,

Please forgive me

Forgive me

For asking for an answer

Then ignoring it when it came

For promising my faith in You

Then trying to fix it myself

I am ready now Father

I am letting it go

And giving it to You

Please bless me Lord

And love me

When I can’t find it in my heart

To love myself

And the Lord in His mercy

Answered my prayer

And this time

Amidst the silence

I was able to hear His answer

And His peace washed over me

And my spirit was renewed

Lowly and humbled servant

Forgiven once again

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4 thoughts on ““…Like the parchment pages of our history, maybe life is made of flickers…”

  1. hey,, your masterpiece is so amazing, it is indeed an inspiring poem,, can i have a copy of this if you don’t mind,, thanks for sharing your talent.keep doing this, and you’ll be blessed..;p

  2. Meghan says:

    Wow. That’s truly beautiful Jill! Thanks for sharing it. And THANK GOD for the presence of mind to rescue ourselves from the grey we had been living!

  3. Kim Hawkins says:

    I can’t say it any better than Meghan… wow!

  4. gastricgirl says:

    Hey honey! You are such a beautiful writer and such a beautiful person.. I love you! 🙂

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