22.5 lbs gained.  SO far…don’t know what the next couple of weeks will mean for me in that respect…I am okay with it in general.  Still difficult at times but…well…with pregnancy there is weight gain.  It’s a natural and necessary part of the process.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  It will be my final Ultrasound…at my last appointment they determined that the baby is head down and I was just under 1 cm dilated…which they assured me was good.  So it has been two weeks and we will see what we see…I will be at 37 weeks on Thursday which  they consider to be full term…so…any time after that is fine with me…I still hope to make it to near her actual due date which is March 17th.  Hopefully they will also be able to estimate her size tomorrow…it would just be good to know.  Anna’s room is ready and her car-seat is in the car…my bag is packed, her bag is packed, Jason’s bag is packed…they are all in the car so now it is just a waiting game.  I find myself anxious, tired, overwhelmed with how tired I am and how often I pee…and how tired I am…and how tired I am…and how often I repeat myself because of how tired I am…and that I don’t realize that I am repeating myself…because of how tired I am.

In general everything is good.  It’s a little hectic de casa de Jil and Jason because… drum-roll please…Jason got a new job…a land job…a job that requires NO travel whatsoever…but they are behind on a project so he is working 10 hour days 6 days a week and he does homework all day Sunday…and he goes to school right after work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday…I am grateful that he is working…He is grateful to be working…but I would be remiss if I didn’t say, sometimes you have to be careful what you ask for  We are trying to get the insurance situation sorted out…as there have been some complications with his old job and we will have to do COBRA for a month or two and his former company has not been, exactly gracious about it…SO MUCH FUN…especially when you could be having a baby at any minute…lol

It will all work out…I KNOW this…but it still makes for some drama…

All in all…though life is jam packed right now…things are good…my health is good, Jason’s is good, the baby is good…My step-mom Becky is doing so much better with her radiation and chemo…she only has two and a half weeks left of radiation and she seems to be responding pretty well to it so far.  The chemo is hard on her but getting better…and her hair has started to come back in so that is a plus…she still has chemo for another 10 months but hopefully she will continue to respond better and better to it!  Your prayers as always are still welcome and appreciated

Anyway…I guess I will wind things up here…

All of my family and friends are very excited to meet the long anticipated Anna Paige…I am too…and Jason is about to come out of his skin…he is so tired of waiting…lol…of course he has no idea what he is in for  I am looking forward to seeing him as a dad…with his little girl…he is smitten already and she hasn’t even arrived yet…

Anywho…to all of you out there that have been a part of this blog…thanks for your support and continued prayers…I may update tomorrow or Thursday after the doctor’s appointment if there is anything new to report…if not…see you on the flip side of motherhood…

Love to you all…

JustJil

Check, check…is this thing on?

Crickets Chirping…

I deserve that…lol…

So here is the thing.

I got married March 6th…2010…but then you already knew that.  Jason started going to school in August…God Bless the GI Bill  So it has been nice having him home…consistently…

Let’s see…anything else?  Hmmm…Oh yeah, I am pregnant!  The whole doctor telling us that it was not going to happen thing…not so much…We are due in two months…two weeks before our first anniversary!  We are thrilled, over the moon, so very excited…clearly God had different ideas about our lives than the doctor did.  It was a surprising and amazing thing to find out, after having been told for 15+ years that I would not be able to have children on my own that I was indeed carrying a baby.  The word “shock” cannot fully relay how I felt…

The pregnancy has been an adventure for sure…I feel pretty good.  Of course we are coming down the home stretch now and I am tired and I don’t ever want to pee again…EVER!  The first part of the pregnancy came off without a hitch…I had bad morning sickness…in fact it was so bad that it carried over from morning into noon and night for the first 6 1/2 months…lol…everyday, all day long…whew.  Thankfully that passed a few weeks ago.  Other than that all has been good.  We are having a girl, her name is : Anna Paige…she is officially due on March 17th…St. Patrick’s Day  I have an appointment for an ultrasound this Friday and they will be able to tell us how big she is…she feels huge but I know most Gastric Patients have smaller babies so we will see.

Speaking of Gastric Bypass and pregnancy.  That part of the journey has not come without it’s trials.  As I said,  March is our first wedding Anniversary…it will also be the third anniversary of my Gastric bypass and then of course Anna is due…March has become a big month for us…lol…although I am almost three years out at this point my stomach never did stretch…I can still only eat about 1/2 a cup to 3/4 of a cup of food at a time if it is a slider food.  This of course has proved a challenge with a little one on the way.  For the first several months I lost weight and then slowly began to put some on…all in all at 32 weeks pregnant I have gained 14 lbs… obviously not typical but I struggled physically and emotionally through every one of those pounds.  I fought hard to gain them and died a little each time I succeeded.  I know how important the nourishment is for the baby and I never tried to sabotage that or anything drastic…but the pregnancy has put me above the 200 mark.  Granted it is 204 but over it is over it and I know I will probably gain 5 or more pounds before all is said and done…I can’t tell you the anguish that accompanied the morning that I hit 200…200 is such an ugly number  to me…it was symbolic of hurt and pain and disillusion.  I am trying to associate a new meaning to it…one of health and joy and a happy baby.  That is a work in progress…It helps to know that once she has been born I am well equipped to take the weight off.  I have the tools and I will succeed again.

I am blessed.  So very blessed…at times it is easy to gloss over that and get lost in the comings and goings of the days and weeks and months but at the end of the day…once again God’s plans for me, and indeed my family have far exceeded any I had for myself.

Speaking of family.  Becky, my step-mom has been fighting breast cancer now for almost a year…it has not been easy.  She has had her mastectomy.  She has gone through the initial 5 months of chemo, she is finishing up 5 weeks of radiation and she has begun a residual year of chemo… unfortunately the Cancer she has feeds off of estrogen and certain proteins which make it a complicated beast to beat.  All in all she is doing a think as well as can be expected.  She was approved for Gastric Bypass, the same day she found out she had cancer.  It was not a good day as you might well imagine.  She is still approved and once they can get her anemia under control they have said she can go through with the surgery.  In fact it will probably help with her recovery.  I do not envy her…but am so proud of her and blessed to have her as a “mom”…if you could say a prayer or a thousand for her and my dad, I would be much obliged.

Also if you could say one here and there for Jason and Anna and I…I wouldn’t turn my nose up at those either.  We will have some tough decisions ahead of us soon…Jason needs to find a new job.  As he can’t work offshore and go to school and of course he wants to be home with the baby and I as well…so big changes to come in the year ahead for the Jaeger’s…

Anywho…I don’t know when I will post again.  It may be 2012…lol..I will try to not wait that long but I make no promises.

Prayers for you all out there in the blogging cosmos…whereas I may not show it as much as I once did…I value you all…thanks for being a part of my journey…you add depth and richness to my life’s journey.

xoxo…Jil

We are newlyweds and yet…we aren’t new.  In some ways I feel like we have been at this for a long time…not in the sense that we know each other in and out or that we have only shared experiences now…but more over because we have been playing the hello/goodbye game since the beginning…as much as a pain in the ass as planning the wedding was (and if you have read any previous posts, you will know exactly how whiny I was and how tedious I found the whole process) and how long it took to orchestrate it all…the wedding itself was essentially wedged in between…Jason heading out on his work hitches…he came home a week and a half before the wedding, we got married, we left for a 6 days for the honeymoon, we came home on a Friday night and he left that Sunday and was gone four weeks…came home for three weeks and was gone two months…basically…the wedding was a blip in the calendar of our life…I am glad we had one, I am glad we are legal, I am glad there were witnesses but it has not changed our day to day life.  The ins and outs remain the same.  I was not really expecting it to change things but at the same time it’s a little surprising that life really did just continue on it’s merry way…if there weren’t so many pictures capturing the day…it might not really exist at all…

I am not sure where all of this is headed, I am not unhappy or dissatisfied…I guess I am just in a state of musing.  Jason has been home for almost a week now…I love when he is home…but I will be honest…as bad as it is and as much as I hate that it happens…the moment he steps foot back on land, for me the countdown til he leaves again begins…and it is not that I am looking forward to his leaving…I know some women would be and I understand that…but I am not one of them…yet….I say yet only because almost everyone I know, assures me that I someday will be but I have my doubts about that.  To the contrary I hate that he is going to leave and it taints the time we do have together a little bit…he had only been home a couple of days, after having been gone almost 2 full months when his office called him and wanted to know when he would be ready to go back into the work rotation…he told them that he would not be willing to go back out until after July 4th…so I know that I have at least until then…unless the NAVY calls and wants to contract him again and then he basically has to go…you just don’t say “No” to the NAVY…at the end of the day, the point of this is that I have a difficult time trying to live fully in the moment.  I am a planner by nature…for years I lived exclusively out of my organizer…I don’t really do that anymore but I am still a planner at heart…and as we gear up for him to head back out…I often check off my mental checklist how many things he is going to miss, birthdays, holidays, Mondays, Tuesdays, weekends…it is just very difficult for me not to have his departure at the back of my mind…

When he is home…I know that I am the heart of his world…I am at the center of every decision he makes, every meal he partakes of, errand that he runs, improvement that he makes to the house…when he is gone he tells me (when we are allowed communication) that I am on his mind every waking moment.

So why can’t I check it at the door and live for the moment while he is home?  It bugs me that I always have that nagging voice in the back of my mind saying, it’s only temporary…I know it’s a defense mechanism…but it’s annoying all the same.

He plans to go to school this fall…I am looking forward to it…but even that will be temporary…he will take a leave of absence from work for the time he is in school, rotating semesters, school one  semester and then returning to work for one semester and then school and then work and so on and so forth…until he is done…

I am looking forward to that time but there is also apprehension present…

On to other topics…My mom is an Assisted living program now…she went in last Wednesday…no drama so far…I pray with everything I have in me that it works out…I have two weeks to empty out her apartment…that is going to be a process…but it must be done…

My dad and Becky are coming home for the 4th of July weekend…and that will be great…her chemo seems to be going relatively well…she will have her 3rd round the day after they get back and then they will schedule her mastectomy…she has lost her hair and has bought a few wigs…she doesn’t want the grandkids to know she is sick…I can’t blame her but I think Sabrina (my brother Peter’s oldest daughter) is old enough to know…she will be 9 in a couple of months…but that is Becky’s decision…

Other than that, life goes on…

Daisy (our beagle) is good…Remy (our puppy) is an annoying little cuss…I am almost positive that she will grow out of it…almost…but she is awfully cute when you don’t want to wring her little neck…lol

Anyway…this post really is all about checking in…and making sure you guys know we are alive and relatively speaking, well!

Love ya all out there…

J

So there…Hmphhh…

Anywho…can you tell I am a bit down today?

I think I mentioned my stepmom Becky, was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of weeks ago right?  Well she had her first round of chemo on Monday and I think she thought she was going to not be affected by it that badly because the day afterwards she felt decent.  Then she called the day after that (yesterday) crying because she doesn’t feel good…I feel so horribly for her…she has my Dad there and a couple of friends…but all of our family is here (Houston, TX) and in Kansas City, KS…she is in Little Rock, AR…I wish I could be there for her…just to make her laugh and feel like she is not so isolated…but it is not to be…

I hate Medicaid and Social Security…this is unrelated to Becky and her cancer…this has everything to do with my biological mother and the fact that all SS and Medicaid do is jerk her chain and complicate my life…

I hate TxDOT too…but that is completely unrelated…

Wow…there is a whole lot of hate going on in this post…so i will try to change it up…

I LOVE wedge heels…love them…I have two pair now…one copper colored and one black and I love them…I also love my dutch oven and my KitchenAid Stand Mixer…

I love my patio garden and the fact that I am no longer a plant killer…and in fact seem to have some sort of a gift…I find joy in in my backyard…and I have some happy plants…proof that old dogs can learn new tricks…

Here are a few random things today…

• I bought a new top…it is a faintly pink linen shirt and it makes me look pregnant…I did not realize this until I saw myself in the bathroom at work…I am NOT pregnant…just sayin’…
• I could really go for a Philly cheese-steak right now…
• It’s humid here and summer has begun to creep in…I really, REALLY wish I liked summer…but if I can’t like it at least I have gotten better about bitching about it…mostly…
• This is my 3rd blog post this month…pretty fancy…
• Jason has been gone for21 days…he will be home in 29 more days…
• Big Fat Sigh…
• I don’t like Cat Cora…the Iron Chef…seriously…not really sure why…just don’t…
• Rachael Rays voice makes my ears bleed…
• I have had 3 cups of chicory coffee today…thus far…
• I am in love with Pancetta…I have been using it lately on top of my pizza’s…
• I make homemade pizza about 4 times a week…it is my sickness…for now…

Well…I guess that is all for now…

Love ya all out there in the blogging cosmos…

JustJil

As usual I have not been great about keeping this blog super-duper current…oops.  I have been having a fairly tough go of things lately and sometimes when the going gets tough, the tough quit blogging…because the tough are actually wusses…

I am in the process of trying to get my mother into an Assisted Living program…I knew the process would suck…AND…it does….it’s a bunch of red-tape-bureaucratic-bullsh*t…but necessary…we will both be better for it…down the road when it is done and the transition has been made…

Jason is gone for awhile, he left 2 1/2 weeks ago and has been up Virginia…but now he is in England and then he heads off to an area which I cannot speak of…lol…he should be home around June 20th…so gone 8 weeks this time…this has been a tough time for me…I am good with him going, he has been gone before…many times over…but things are just so messy with my mom right now it would be good to be able to have some support…ah well…it is what it is…and hopefully by the time he gets home I will have it all sorted out…

I have been lining up some projects to do while he is gone…so I think I am going to paint our downstairs half bath this weekend…maybe…possibly…I was supposed to have a girls road-trip weekend but tragically the girl I was going with lost her husbands cousin to a suicide this weekend…they could use some prayers…they could really, really use some prayers…

Also, My stepmom was diagnosed with Breast cancer two weeks ago…it popped up very quickly and it is very aggressive.  They said that it has roots and tendrils and she will have to have a mastectomy.  She begins chemo today…more prayers please…I feel horrible for her…the day she found out she would have to have a mastectomy was ironically enough also the day that her approval letter for Gastric Bypass came in…she had been waiting anxiously for that letter…hoping that all would be approved and now, clearly it is on the back burner…I pray she regains enough of her health to beat the breast cancer and also be able to have the bypass…she is an insulin  dependent diabetic and the gastric bypass would cure that…it would make an amazing difference in her life… pray that all goes well with the chemo and subsequent surgeries please…she could sure use them…

In all of this craziness I have had amazing support around me…helping me to cope with all of this and lifting me up…I don’t thank my friends nearly enough…but it is so very appreciated…especially with Jason being gone.

The puppies are good…having Remy around has truly turned Daisy to the good side…now if I could just get Remy trained…lol…her “puppiness” knows no limits…

I had a great weekend spent with friends, hit some fun stores for interesting groceries…bought a cute top, went to a BBQ (Thanks Laurie Lou)…saw some more friends, Michelle and Amber and their partners and met some new people as well…and capped it off by seeing Iron Man II…busy, busy, busy…but good!

My youngest cousin Brian’s birthday is Tuesday and so I am going to My other cousin Brett’s for dinner that evening and then maybe out to dinner sometime later in the week with friends again…Trying to keep busy…

That is it for now…for the most part…

Love to you all, blessings and prayers…JustJil

I leave you all with a photo from our honeymoon in Mexico…

Far away...

and just in case anyone is wondering…omission of the truth is still a lie.  Just because you know something and don’t say the opposite out loud doesn’t mean you aren’t being dishonest.

I hate disloyalty.

Do not claim you are someones friend if your actions are going to consistently say otherwise. Admit the friendship is not working and move on but do not claim a loyalty that is no longer there just out of habit or to save face.

I don’t like to have my time wasted by people that are pretending to be something they are not.  If I am going to dedicate my time to you, to us, to our friendship then I want to know that what we have is real and valued…

That is all…Happy Friday.

J

I hope all have had a wonderful Easter.  Mine was…quiet.  Which is not a bad thing.  I went to church alone, joined some friends for lunch and then returned home to spend the afternoon in solitude…I had opportunities to go a few places but I needed to just be at my home…preparing for the arrival of the mister.  I had set out some goals for myself when he left and I achieved almost none of them I am a tried and true procrastinator…One thing that jacked up all of my wellintentioned plans was…drumroll please…

I got a new puppy sister for Daisy…her name is Remy…she is a dachshund/chihuahua mix…but she looks like a black lab with short legs…lol…she will be 10 weeks old tomorrow and she is a real hand-full…Daisy is quite taken with her…it is going far better than I had hoped…although it has been a long time since I house-trained a puppy this young…Oi…just oi…I will survive, I will survive…hey, hey…She has had her first trip to the vet, this past week and got a clean bill of health…she has had her first round of stuff and is due for her next round on the 23rd of this month.

Remy Jaeger

Remy and Daisyhill...

So there they are…

Also…I don’t have the official wedding pictures yet…but here are a few that my maid of honors husband took…

Just Jil...

Jil, Jason and the dudes...

Married...

So that is that…lol…when I get the real deals I will throw a couple on here…

I guess that is all for now…

Love to you all out there in the collective bloggong cosmos…

JustJil…

It’s true…there were witnesses…lol

The wedding went off pretty well…no major drama, no real disasters…I actually felt like I looked like a bride and for once…I actually thought I looked quite pretty…I got to see some wonderful friends that I don’t see often and some that I see all the time and value to such a great extent as to say it would not have been as great a joy if they were not there…

We honeymooned in Playa del Carmen in Mexico and it was wonderful, we swam with the Dolphins, snorkeled, walked the ruins in Tulum and ate food that was so good I am still savouring each bite…we stayed at an amzing resort that was beautiful and so much fun, we saw shows, we shopped a bit, we swam, we sunned, we loved…it is a time I will never forget…but…

I was ready to return to real life…which is a mixed bag of sorts…lol…we arrived home late Friday and Jason left Sunday for work…he will get back the day after Easter…this was not a surprise, before we even left on our honeymoon we knew when he would be leaving…the issue is now this…The house is clean, gifts are unpacked and put away, the things we are not keeping (old stuff) has been gathered and placed in the garage for friends who want or need it, or a garage sale down the road…my planner that I have lived out of for the last 6 months is empty…literally…I am having dinner or coffee with a friend on Friday and that is all I have in my planner at all for the next three weeks…I don’t know what to do with myself…I don’t really want to watch TV much, Daisy chewed up my glasses so reading is out, I have a couple of craft/art projects that I want to do but really I have all of spring and summer to do them…I am completely without focus…As much of a pain in the ass as the wedding was, it also gave me things that needed accomplishing and deadlines…now…well…again my planner is empty…I am going to have to do some soul searching…I was expecting this really…just not so fast…lol

I am well and truly at a crossroads…I think a lot of us post WLSr’s reach this point, probably around now…I will be two years out on March 20th…so in essence I am two years out…I have maintained my current weight for almost a year…I am good with where I am, I wear a 12 or 14, I feel pretty good most days….I am and always will be grateful for this tool, the tool still works for me…but…it is no longer my life.  I think that is healthy….the whole point of the surgery was to get my life back and I have that…so…where do I go from here?  I will always be a WLS patient…but by and large…it is more a part of my foundation than my daily life…I have some new challenges on the horizon…and I want to embrace those things…I guess the point of all of this is that this will no longer be a WLS blog…if things come up regarding WLS I will always blog about it because I owe it to the WLS community and myself.  I will never hide or forget where I came from however it will be more about a girl living life who had WLS once upon a time.  I know I am not the first to change blog direction, several on my own blogroll have changed focus over the last year…it’s just how life goes…

So this is where I am today…I have started down a new path, I have to figure out what it means to be a good wife, a loving companion and part of a new family.  It will be a challenge…I am for sure up to the task but it will be somewhat daunting at times…

I thank all of you for being such a great source of support and inspiration to me over the last two years…I have loved being a part of your journey’s and feel truly humbled to have had you all as part of mine…I hope you will stick around…because I am sure to do some stupid stuff and of course I will need witnesses…lol

Love to you all…

Mrs. Jaeger

Recently…it has reared it’s ugly tired head again…last night I took some Tylenol pm and I got some sleep but I am still on the tired side…I have to find a way to shut my brain down…

Reasons I can’t sleep:

• I have recently upset one of my best friends to the point where I am not sure she will forgive me…
• Wedding stuff
• More wedding stuff
• my dog, can’t fix her either…
• Jason has been gone for 72 days out of the last 117…so since October I have had him 45 days
• I have had RSVP’s for 134 people now…we were expecting about 95 to 100…and there are still some outstanding…

I tell you what, planning a wedding is not for sissies…

Everyday…I mark a couple of things off my list…If I could get the list under control I think I might be okay…or at least better…ish…

Happy Tuesday all…

Justjil…

This is not a wedding related post…

This is an “I’m tired of having my words twisted around” post…

This is an, “Is honesty really the best policy?” post…

Have you ever been too afraid to tell someone you love that you are worried about them and then you get the courage to do it and all of your fears of why you were to scared to tell them in the first place are confirmed…

Growing up I felt like the throw away friend.  I felt like most of my friends were too fragile to handle my thoughts or my fears concerning myself or them or my family so I kept most of that inside.  Fearful that if I was truly honest with them, they would not be able to handle that.  That it would be easier to abandon me…to just walk away, find a new friend that would tell them the things they wanted to hear…not someone that was going to call them on their BS…or just say you know I have been watching you and I am scared for you.  I have actually lost a few friendships over the years because I did not give them enough credit for being able to handle those truths…I also didn’t give myself enough credit, thinking that I was disposable, that my thoughts and values weren’t important enough to be able to stand up to the truths of an honest relationship/friendship…

I try hard not to devalue my friends that way these days.  It is still very difficult for me to be that kind of honest knowing what is at stake.  Knowing that sometimes people are that fragile.  It takes a lot out of me…months sometimes to reach the point where I get up enough courage to do it…but if I think it’s important enough…I will do it…no matter how scared I am….

And that is why it sucks so hard when it all goes down bad…when instead of helping, you end up tearing them down…and sometimes it doesn’t matter if it came from a good place…when the result is so sad…

Will be out under a rock somewhere tail tucked between legs..Roger Wilco…this is Jil the destroyer of souls..over and out…